Maybe Mozambique

Goodbyes

2008-07-30T01:49:00.004+01:00

I'm afraid the journal is no longer forthcoming, it seems.

Last week, I put all my favourite belongings in a suitcase and left it on the train. Some things were easily replacable - toiletries, make-up, etc - though I could do without the expense. Some things are harder to replace because of expense or availability: my laptop, my Riverside Chaucer, my Kate Rusby traditional folk sheet music, my phone charger, my camera-to-computer link-up cable. And some things are irreplacable: an 80 page letter from a friend, the music and photos and documents on the laptop, most of my clothes, my beautiful Bible I bought in Johannesburg and, of course, the Mozambique journal. I've phoned every train company and station in the country, nearly, and it seems to have been stolen. So that's that.

What shall I do with this online journal now? Any suggestions? I don't want to delete it because I anticipate future mission trips. I think I'll leave it inactive for a while. In the mean time, All Things Jesus will be over at St. Pixels.

In a puff of smoke...

2008-07-19T15:16:00.000+01:00

... she reappears.

And, not only that, she reappears with photos of her trip: here, here and here.

Once I've typed it up, there will also be a Mozambique journal for your amusement.

I've been back over a week already. Sorry you've not heard from me - I had a month's worth of correspondence and so many little fiddly things to sort out. I was also dealing with culture shock and getting over a stomach infection. I'm okay now, though!

2 days, 9 hours

2008-06-12T18:23:00.000+01:00

I'm procrastinating. I have so much to do.

I awoke this morning sick with fear. I'm really not sure that I want to do this anymore. But that's neither here nor there: I'm going. Even if I could back out, I wouldn't. I agreed to take up my cross and follow. It turns out that I'm to follow to Mozambique, so off I go. A friend pointed me to this in an e-mail today, which I found to be a great source of strength and comfort:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9, NIV)

This is one of those pivotal points in my life, I feel. Every few years you get a moment when you're teetering on the brink of a life change. I've started flashing back to others, from the past, which is a bit weird. I got up this morning, went to the loo and suddenly -

it's January 8th, 2003. I'm fifteen. I'm sat on a soft chair in the stuffy, overheated reception room of the psychiatric hospital. My parents are sat beside me, looking grim. We wait for a long time. I turn to my left and read the posters, the phone number for Saneline. I wonder if I should make a note of it for a later date. It could come in useful. One of the posters reads: " You don't have to be mentally ill to be affected by mental illness." It refers to family and friends and carers, I guess. My family would never use a service like the one they advertised. They're private people. I wonder if I'm was mentally ill, if I'm what they mean by "mentally ill." I look ahead of me and examine the patients' artwork. Landscapes, mainly. I think it's dull. I turn around to look out of the window at the falling snow....

Then I realised where I was and stumbled back into bed. I turned over and face the wall, and it happened again.

It's October 4th, 1998. I'm ten. Dad and Tom and I are in the park. We've been collecting conkers. It's a windy day and autumn leaves are swirling through the air. I'm stood a few steps up on a war memorial. Behind me are a list of a dead men's names and a wreath of plastic poppies. My dad hangs up the call on his mobile phone. He's been talking to my mum, who's in the hospital with my nan. My nan is dying. "Shouldn't be long now," Dad says and sighs. I don't know what to feel. I don't feel anything. But I have a sudden awareness, then, of the future, of my future. I realise that it isn't going to be ordinary. I realise that it's going to be about things that I don't have any concept of at the moment. I realise that I'm going to suffer a lot. But I'm okay with it. I don't think of it again. In fact, after that moment, the awareness vanishes and I'm a child again, back in the present. My thoughts go back to my nan.

Funny, the five year intervals. Now, I must get on and do stuff.

Three Days

2008-06-11T23:40:00.000+01:00

Three days. It keeps hitting me like a slap in the face: the nearer it gets, the more often it hits me. I can't decide whether I'm more scared or more excited. Sometimes I think it's all a terrible idea and I shouldn't be going in the first place. But I trust in God. And, just, oh my goodness. I knew, somehow, instinctively, and my friend Rhian confirmed it: the air will taste different in Africa. I remember a poem I wrote when I was fourteen, about worship, in which I wrote of "tangy, blinding Africa." Prophetic? There will be red dust, like on Mars. My word, what am I doing? There's stepping out of your comfort zone and then there's... this.

The Lord continues to rain down blessings on my life. We had a beautiful time in the Lake District. I could only marvel at the glory of God's creation. It's like a map of His heart, a glimpse of His splendour. We sought out a waterfall in the woods in Ambleside and clambered all over it, then drank the fresh, clean water at the bottom. Photos here. We saw so many places called "Lakeland" - I couldn't help but be reminded of the revival in Florida. I have been tremendously blessed also with the support I have had: so many kind words and people praying for me. A gift of a mosquito net. I put a notice in the parish newsletter of my home church about the trip and one family even opened their home and shared their dinner with me! This is my dream for the church. I've been really blessed also with my collecting clothes for the children. My cousin originally said that all of her daughter's things have been promised elsewhere, but now the person they were going to suddenly doesn't want them! So I have lots of beautiful things to take with me for the children at the centres. Another blessing has been my correspondence with another Laura, who is working at the centre in Maputo. She returns within days of my arrival. It was such a God-thing, our finding each other. How can I be afraid, with a God who is this good to me?

My preparations are almost finished. I have Malarone; I have travel insurance; I've had all my jabs. I've sorted out my e-mail list so that I can let everyone know how I'm doing. What remains now is mainly packing and last-minute shopping, yet there are 101 things to do. It's a little frantic. Oh, and before I forget: Tom made a blog too. Go check it out.

More to pray for

2008-06-06T23:48:00.001+01:00

(from BBC news)

Until recently, Mozambicans in South Africa described the country as a "brotherly and friendly" place.

But more than 32,000 Mozambicans have now been pushed back across the border by a wave of anti-foreigner violence.

Fifty-six people have been killed and at least 70,000 displaced by the attacks, which began earlier this month near Johannesburg.

"It's absolute chaos. It's a massacre, as close to a war as you can get," says Levis, clearly shaken.
"I've lost a lot but at least still got my soul," he sighs, sharing a smile with a few fellow returnees.
They have been staying in one of two transit camps set up by the authorities in Beluluane, about 20km (30 miles) from the capital, Maputo.

In the background, in a fenced perimeter adjacent to a local police station, stand 74 neatly organised tents, spacious enough to accommodate six to eight people.

Close by, water tanks lie in wait, while health workers chat to a South African woman who says her Mozambican companion "was almost burnt alive".

"They said I should leave and follow him. We've got two young children and don't know what will become of us now," she laments.

The immediate priority is to give people medical treatment, food and counselling says Ilda Cuna, the provincial secretary of the Mozambican Red Cross, which is helping to run the camps.

"The idea is not to have people in the camps for too long, unless we're unable to get them back to their home provinces immediately upon their arrival and after they have received basic assistance."

Efforts to assist the returnees are being overseen by the reactivated Emergency Operations Center, commended for its work during recent floods in central Mozambique.

Levis hails the work the Mozambican authorities are doing to help people like him.

"I'm grateful to the government," he says.

"They have been asking us not to let anger get to us and that we should not retaliate. I hope all of us heed the call."

This forgiving sentiment is not shared by everyone though.

On the outskirts of Maputo, one woman says she will never forgive those who chased her, chanting the name of a southern Mozambican ethnic group common in South Africa: "Kill the Shangaans, beat the Shangaans!"

Conscious of growing anger among the returnees and the general public, President Armando Guebuza has been warning that "violence only generates more violence".

He has reminded Mozambicans of the heavy price they had to pay during another period of upheaval - the civil war that killed up to a million people before a settlement in 1992.

Meanwhile, about 100km (62 miles) away at the Ressano Garcia border, Mozambicans continue arriving, albeit in smaller numbers compared with last week.

One man arrives exhausted, his van overloaded and far too small the mattress, the fridge, the hi-fi equipment and everything else.

He says he had no choice but to flee.

"I drove all night and will have to continue driving for at least another 800km (500 miles)."

"I will not go back for at least six months," he vows.

In fact, there is not much road traffic from Mozambique to South Africa these days.

This explains why you do not see the long queues of people waiting to go through immigration and customs on their way to earn money in "the land of the rand [South Africa's currency]".

"Usually you'd have at least 10 to 15 minibuses leaving here for the border and beyond," says the man in charge of the local terminal for "chapas" - as the minibuses, the main means of public transport, are known.

"Now it's come down to almost zero."

For the time being the authorities appear to be coping with the demands suddenly imposed by the flood of Mozambicans returning home.

The question though is whether the communities the returnees are going back to - some after a long absence - will have the means to meet the additional social-economic burden brought about by the wave of xenophobic violence.

Poverty

2008-05-31T02:00:00.002+01:00

It is tremendously ironic that, to live for a short time in one of the poorest countries in the world, I must first go out and acquire a whole stack of new possessions. The money I have spent the last few days is unbelievable. So much new stuff: mosquito nets, plastic cutlery, long skirts, etc etc. I'm going in an attempt to identify with the poor, to stand alongside them. Somehow going to buy all this gear beforehand seems counter-productive.

All of us, I think, are bracing ourselves for the poverty we shall see in Mozambique. It is the degradation of it that I fear most. It will break our hearts. But is it not necessary that our hearts be broken? Can we truly serve God otherwise? Is that what is meant by dying to the old and being born anew? Poverty is an evil to the rich as well as the poor. We may harden ourselves to the suffering all around us; we may deceive ourselves that it isn't there; we may seek simply to forget and we may indeed forget. I can't endorse any of these - yet how are we to live otherwise? How can we sleep in our warm beds, knowing that there are people shivering on the streets? Yet we have to sleep! I feel so powerless, not only because it is a huge problem but because it is so complex. I understand next to nothing about global issues. It seems to me that as long as there are people there will be greed, as long as there is greed there will be corruption, as long as there is corruption there will be poverty. I'm all for Make Poverty History, but is it possible? Nothing is impossible with God, yet God submits to our free will.

I struggle with the Beatitudes. On the face of it, the poor don't seem especially blessed, seeing as many of them are starving to death. Humility was never my strong point, though I have tremendous respect for it. And I'm not even sure that I want to be meek. What is meekness, really, anyway? I have always, perhaps mistakenly, associated it with being quiet, self-effacing, slightly gloomy. But I have fallen in love, lately, with the idea of being "poor in spirit." To me, "poor in spirit" doesn't mean self-effacing, which I will never be. To me, it means desperate. And, oh, I have always been desperate. All my life I have been tightrope-walking the fine line between sanity and madness, joy and despair, life and death. I am desperate for God. That's why I'm going to Mozambique. Which is hard to explain to people when they make polite enquiries about the trip.

June 15th is creeping up, very near now. A big part of me doesn't want to go. She's going purely out of obedience to God. She anticipates being positively wretched. She hates discomfort, and being away from home, and all things uncomfortable and unfamiliar, and all those nasty little inconveniences that go along with "roughing it." But I am not that person anymore. I do not need running water. I do not need - I do not want - to be comfortable. I only need God. And I need His courage. It's for a long time; it's far away; it's totally unlike anything I've ever done before. Please don't let me be lonely. It will be so strange, Africa. I imagine reddish dust on the ground and air that tastes different. Who will I be when I get back?

One Month Today

2008-05-15T16:21:00.006+01:00

Well, it's creeping up. I must be starting to worry now because I had my first Mozambique-related nightmare last night. Nightmares are a bit of a problem for me. I am really excited, though!

Preparations are now very much underway. Constant jabs, so much so that it's becoming a bit of a joke. I'm wandering round Egham with a medley of tropical diseases in my system. Currently I have meningitis, hepatitis and rabies. Cool, huh? I've been trying to sort out travel insurance, but no-one will insure me because of the bipolar. Fortunately, I just found this page. I'm also on a quest to find the world's cheapest Malarone. My auntie's going to have a look in Thailand for me.

Monday night we did our Mozambique fundraiser evening: African food, raffle, auction of promises, music, etc. People were incredibly generous and we raised a total of £750. We were so blessed. We also really bonded as a team, particularly over late-night washing-up! Big thanks to God for all that.

Diana and I went into London on Tuesday for our first Rabies jab. Just before we had it, the woman said, "I'm just going to close the door, in case you scream." Which wasn't terribly reassuring, but it was actually fine. Then we did the full length of Oxford Street, in and out half the shops, plus a good hour in Primark. It was an epic stomp. I bought some very funky girl boxers (not exactly a Mozambique necessity, but pants are always useful), two big bottles of 6-hour factor 40 suncream, insect spray with the all-important DEET (whatever that is), stuff to calm the itching down after the insects bite anyway and some Immodium. I'm gonna get some more, though, actually. Somehow I think it will come in useful.

There's one passage in Acts, which I think is really relevant to our trip. (It isn't about Immodium, funnily enough - I've switched topics.) Acts 3:1-10, NIV:

One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts. When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, "Look at us!" So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them. Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God. When all the people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him.

People will be constantly asking us for money and/or stuff, and 99.9% of the time we're going to have to refuse, because it really doesn't help long-term. It's going to be heartbreaking, and very difficult for all of us. I for one will feel incredibly guilty, and I'll be constantly thinking of Jesus' saying: "I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me." (Matthew 25:42,43, NIV).

But this passage in Acts was such a gift, in telling me how to respond. At least I know what I can do for people. We can always pray. And God will honour that.

Hands and Feet

2008-05-05T00:59:00.004+01:00

a song by Audio Adrenaline

An image flashed across my TV screen,
Another broken heart comes into view.
I saw the pain, and I turned my back.
Why can't I do the things I want to?

I am willing yet I'm so afraid.
You give me strength when I say...

I wanna be Your hands,
I wanna be Your feet.
I'll go where You send me,
I'll go where You send me.
I'll be Your hands,
I'll be Your feet.
I'll go where You send me,
I'll go where You send me.

And I'll try, yeah I'll try
To touch the world
Like You touched my life.
And I'll find my way
To be Your hands.

I abandon every selfish thought.
I surrender everything I've got.
You can have everything I am,
And perfect everything I'm not.

I am willing, I'm not afraid.
You give me strength when I say...

I wanna be Your hands,
I wanna be Your feet.
I'll go where You send me,
I'll go where You send me.
I'll be Your hands,
I'll be Your feet.
I'll go where You send me,
I'll go where You send me.

This is the last time
I turn my back on You.
From now on I'll go out.
Send me where You want me to.
I finally have a mission
I promise I'll complete.
I don't need excuses
When I am Your hands and feet.
I am Your hands and feet.

Twinings and Other Concerns

2008-05-05T00:23:00.003+01:00

Sudden thought: Am I going to be able to get a decent cup of tea whilst in Mozambique? You know, none of your green tea or herbal tea. Tea tea. Twinings or similar. Milk, two sugars.

I don't know why God wants me in Mozambique. I'm going to be a public relations disaster: "Hallo there, so you're from the Makua tribe? Jolly good. Would you like a cup of tea? I have Twinings. Game of Scrabble?" I mean, let's face it, I'm about as English as English gets.

I did get a chance to have a really good chat with Tom today about a couple of more serious concerns. Travel insurance, and who will cover a fruitbat like myself. No one, seems to be the initial consensus. But we'll get there. I'll just have to pay more. They have offered to cover the extra out of the team fund, which I've been systematically refusing, on account of it's my responsibility. I may give in, though. I'd just feel guilty. It's good of them to let me come in the first place, my being such a liability.

Also, I've been quite anxious about how I'm going to be feeling out there. The last two months or so have been difficult, in that I've either been having a mild depression or a major one squished by drugs, I think. I keep coming over all hermit-tastic, can't bear to be around people, no fun or joy in anything. I'm plodding on with my faith, and it's fine, but I still feel like crap. I don't want to feel like crap in Mozambique. Maybe it'll stop after exams. I was very encouraged by what Tom said. He seems to think that I won't, for the most part, that it'll be amazing, and that God is going to do amazing things in me while I'm out there. An almost visible difference in me, he said. And other people have said similar things. Prophetic, or optimistic? I'm gonna go with the former. God must have a reason for sending me out there, after all.

Some Stuff to Take

2008-05-03T01:38:00.006+01:00

(premature, I know, but I'm excited and I can't sleep)

clothes, toiletries, etc
umbrella
tent?
dollars
super-duper suncream
clothes for kids
swimming costume and skirt
swim shoes
small packets of tissues
small packets of hand-wipes
insect spray with DEET
small container of detergent
plastic crockery
earplugs
big zip bag
sunglasses
sun hat
sandals
doc martens
1-2 rolls of toilet paper
towel
Bible
torch
bin bags
pens
razor
sleeping bag
jewellery, make up, etc
little mirror
books
soap
clothes pegs
Immodium, painkillers, Malarone, bipolar meds
camera
watch/small clock
cushion
stuff for insect bites
Pritt stick
scissors
adapter for plugs

Stuff I Need to Buy

2008-05-02T23:56:00.006+01:00

(edited 17th May)

more t-shirts?
more full/knee-length skirts/dresses?
umbrella
dollars
clothes for kids
swimming costume?
swim shoes
small packets of tissues
small packets of hand-wipes
small container of detergent
plastic crockery?
earplugs
big bag with zip?
new notebook
new bras
Malarone
Immodium
paracetamol

Long Time, No Speak

2008-05-02T23:53:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the lengthy silence. It's exam time. My brain is fried, seriously.

A few things. Um, preparations have continued to be underway. At the Regenerate (C.U.) weekend away, I was chatting to a chap called Ray who looked after the venue about the trip, and he gave us a wind-up torch (very handy) and a fiver towards it. So that was a blessing. We went to see Heidi Baker in Kent. That was pretty inspirational. I finished reading the book. Lots of fundraising going on. We're hosting a Mozambique evening with a banquet of African food, an auction of promises, musical entertainment, a brief talk about what we'll be up to and a raffle. We also had a preparation day where we had some prayer, team games, culture stuff, filled in our Visas and learned a bit of Portuguese and Makua. Jabs have also started. I've had my hep A booster and first hep B. I love that I'm walking around Egham with all these tropical diseases in my bloodstream. I've got to go to London for rabies, which is a pain.

Sorry to be so brief. All these things have long stories but some of them were a while back now, and, like I said, my brain's fried. I should be revising now, but I just can't do any more today. I don't want to go to bed yet, though. I think I'm going to put together a list of stuff I need for Mozambique. Getting close now!

Taken from BBC News

2008-03-11T17:47:00.001Z

Deadly cyclone ravages Mozambique

At least seven people have been killed and thousands have fled their homes as Cyclone Jokwe continues to hit northern Mozambique, state radio reports.
Some 500 buildings including schools and hospitals, have been destroyed and electricity pylons downed.

The cyclone is expected to move south on Monday and people have been warned to stay out of the sea, as wind speeds reach 200km/h (125mph).

Tens of thousands of people were left homeless by flooding earlier this year.
Last month Cyclone Ivan battered parts of Madagascar, off the coast from Mozambique, but lost intensity before it reached the mainland.

Three of the deaths came when a wall collapsed at a mosque, while a fourth person was killed by a falling tree.

Northern Nampula province is worst-hit, including historic Mozambique Island.

Mozambican weather authorities have also issued a red alert for the coastal district of Pebane in central Zambezia province.

Paulo Zucula, director of Mozambique's National Institute of Disaster Management (INGC), told Reuters news agency that the situation in central areas already hit by flooding could be worsened as the storm moved south.

"The situation is terrible right now with dangerous winds of 200 km/h travelling to the southern parts of Mozambique," he said.

Meteorologist Mussa Mustafa warned people not to seek shelter under trees or in houses, whose roofs could be blown off.

He said the wind had whipped up seven-metre high waves in the Indian Ocean.

Shopping

2008-02-29T17:07:00.002Z

How I love it. And I love having an excuse. Yay.

Culture and Authenticity

2008-02-28T06:40:00.006Z

I've already devoured the Iris websites several times over, but yesterday Tom pointed us back towards the Visiting Holy Given FAQ and Visiting Iris pages.

There's lots of handy practical stuff here. I need to make a list of things to take over Easter. The guidelines about dress and stuff do seem very strict, but I guess that might be the way the culture is out there and it is important to be sensitive to that. Likewise, it says:

WE ASK OUT OF RESPECT TO OUR MOZAMBICAN CULTURE THAT YOU DON'T:
Smoke, drink alcohol, use drugs, wear body piercings (other than normal ear-piercings for women) or have intimate relationships outside of marriage.

Again, that's fair enough. If it's for cultural reasons, it's important, and they've every right to tell me what to do while I'm out there. I must confess, though, that I don't much like being told what to do in quite that kind of detail. That's my personality. Also, my freedom was restricted in a similar way when I was in hospital so I have bad associations there. I can't help feeling a bit that it may not be entirely a cultural thing, though. It's a bit like being told not what to do, but who to be, and I don't like that at all.

I mean, I'm quite unconventional in some ways. Some of my opinions aren't really in line with Christian dogma. My nose is pierced. I sleep with my boyfriend. I drink, and sometimes I get drunk. I occasionally smoke, if I'm drunk or angry. Sometimes I swear. Occasionally I'll smoke a bit of cannabis. I'm happier with some of these things than others, but none of them make me any less a Christian. What they make me is a work in progress, and I imagine some of them will change with time. I hate this idea of the "good Christian" and the "not-quite-up-to-scratch Christian." I'm feeling more and more that it's my heart that God is essentially bothered about, and my heart is directed toward Him. And, usually, if other Christians condemn my behaviour, I'm not that bothered. It does make me rethink, but what I'm interested in is what God thinks, so I go and ask Him when something comes up.

And it's fine: I can be a good girl in Mozambique - I can even keep quiet about the fact that I'm not always such a good girl at home - but I do feel a little that I'll be suppressing something of myself. I do so want to be authentic. I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not, but I'm a little afraid I may have to present myself as such to Iris or they won't have me.

Never mind. God'll sort it.

The Journey Vision Statement 2008

2008-02-27T23:12:00.000Z

In 2008 The Journey is aspiring to…

Follow Jesus on an adventure of faith, seeking him and inviting spiritual seekers to join them on this journey.

Be passionately in love with and hungry for more of God, finding our affirmation and acceptance from the Father, aspiring to know and live out Jesus’ lifestyle and walking in complete dependence on and obedience to the Holy Spirit.

Love each other and build authentic community, focusing on the people of Royal Holloway and Englefield Green. `

Pray for, support and send out people into all areas of society and the world with the message of the God who is love and is good and longs for relationship with us. Bringing this message through words, works and wonders in honest, radical, creative and relevant ways.

Bring heaven to earth through our authority as Princes and Princesses of the King of Kings.

Facilitate an environment and culture that encourages and equips people to become who they were created to be, stepping into maturity and walking in the destiny on their lives.

Our vision is to be like Jesus 24/7.

Team Vision

2008-02-27T22:31:00.000Z

(composed and sent to Iris by Tom)

The team from the Journey would be made up of young adults aged between 18 and 30 university students and young professionals. All would be committed Christians with a heart for world mission and for seeing God's Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. The experience of the team in a mission environment would be varied. The expectation would be that we would be available to serve as and when needed. My hope is that the team would be able to spend a weeks in Maputo. There I would like for the team to get involved in a number of areas. If possible this would include building relationships with Children and Pastors at the Iris centre, a trip to the rubbish dump church, a trip to the Street children church. I would like to give oppotunities for the team to be involved in prayer ministry and the chance to share their testimonies if the opportunity arose. Other possible opportunities could be praying for people at the hospital and being involved in a prison visit. We would be culturally sensitive, flexible and respond to the needs of Iris. We would be happy to serve and help out in any other way.I would also like the team to be able to spend two weeks at the Pemba base as well, similarly getting to know some of the Pastors and children. Here I hope the team would be able to get involved in an evening outreach as well as all participate in a weekend outreach in the Bush. At all points the team will be prepared to serve at any point necessary. During free time the team may be able to attend some of the teaching taking place at the Holy Given school. I hope that our team will be a blessing to Iris and I know they will get out of it way more than they put in. My hope is it will be a life changing trip for the members of the team who will go on to do great things for God in all spheres of life. That they will get God's heart for the poor and be able to move more into their destinies. That they will set on fire for Him and learn to be able to minister more in the power of the Holy Spirit living out Isaiah 61.

Shoutout

2008-02-27T01:00:00.001Z

Am feeling very encouraged tonight as Vicky complimented the blog. I thought no one read this thing. So, yeah, hi Vicky!

Charismatickiness

2008-02-24T13:23:00.017Z

What a title. There you go.

One thing that has been niggling me of late is the uber-Charismatic style of worship I can expect at Iris. I'm no stranger to that kind of worship and culture - at The Journey, which I go to through term-time, it's my staple diet. And I usually enjoy it and think it's groovy and all's good. Only occasionally I get niggly doubts about it. I know it's what my boyfriend would call "cultish." And lately I've been thoroughly enjoying The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus, which, though wonderful, hasn't helped:

That said, I believe that it's the worshipping God that's important, not how you do it. You can worship God in almost anything (I say almost, I don't think you can worship God by shooting up with heroin, for example.) All ways of doing church have their dangers. We just need to be aware of them. And the video we watched today made me feel a lot better. It was just reassurance, really, that Iris' Christianity is primarily about love, and not weird manifestations of the Holy Spirit.

And, as nakedpastor says:

"It has become obvious to me that, for instance, it isn’t the marriage license, the certificate, the paper, that holds a marriage together. It has also become increasingly obvious to me that neither do the vows, the promises, or the wedding ceremony, hold a marriage together. I’ve also become aware that compatibility, having things in common, sharing a common goal or vision, is not the cohesive glue in a relationship either.

Translate this analogy of marriage into community life, you have the same thing. Being a member does not hold a community together. Being a part of a church doesn’t keep it. Neither do the sacraments or vows or promises. Neither does theological unity or common goals or a shared vision hold it together.

It can only be love, mutual love, that holds a relationship or a community together. What I am trying to say is that we have to get to the place where we realize that we just can’t expect people to remain committed to each other because it is expected, or promises were made, or there is uniformity in whatever area, or that there is a common goal we’ve set for them. People, especially younger people, aren’t interested in uniformity, conformity, or forms of any kind. There must be genuine acceptance, honesty, authenticity, freedom, and love for community to work. This requires intense energy from each person, and nothing outside of themselves can be called upon to ensure the relationship will work… no authority, document, ruler, goal, vision, practice, or tradition.

This is why I don’t strive for theological uniformity, homogeneity in life-style, protocol, authority, submission, legal agreement, or anything of the sort. These no longer matter. It comes down to love, its practice. That is, the way of love. "

First Meeting

2008-02-24T12:49:00.004Z

The Team met up for the first time this morning, did some planning and some praying. All good. Though I was, once again, frustrated at my lack of articulacy in speech. We went round, each saying what we were excited and scared about, and I don't think I effectively communicated anything, or at least anything from the heart.

We watched an Iris Ministries DVD. I found it hard to see the people going through the rubbish on the rubbish dump. It was almost as if they themselves were seen as rubbish by society. They were disposable. And it was so wonderful to see Heidi Baker and the Iris message of "Stopping for the One" working against that, and every individual being valued and loved. It reminded me of why I'm a Christian in the first place, what it is I love about Jesus and His message. I am full of admiration for Heidi. She shows what Jesus is all about, and what I think He was really like when He walked on the earth. She is very typically American, though, which feels a little alien, and I could imagine her voice getting on my nerves! I need to read her book, "Always Enough," before we go, which I'm really looking forward to. God has certainly been doing amazing things in Mozambique.

I had a picture of sorts. The word "iris" means "rainbow," and a rainbow is created by sunlight shining through raindrops. Likewise, when God's light shines through the tears of our brokenness, something beautiful is created, which symbolises hope. Diana had two pictures: one of the people of Mozambique coming out of the rubbish dump in royal garments, and another of us all riding elephants, led by Christ. Which brought to mind this picture of me in Thailand, February 2006:

Gutted

2008-02-20T15:36:00.003Z

I've just discovered that, while I'm in Mozambique, I'm going to miss the wedding of two of my best friends. I've helped to plan this wedding, and I love these two so much.

I've half a mind to cancel.

Slum Survivor

2008-02-16T02:23:00.004Z

I did Slum Survivor back in the autumn with Aimee, Diana and Hannah. (I'm dropping the whole internet anonymity thing now. It's getting annoying. If they care, they can tell me.) Aimee organised it. It turns out to have been a huge part of God's plan for preparing the Mozambique trip. It was in the slum that Tom first told us of his plan to organise a trip. And Diana and Hannah are both coming on it, and Aimee's praying with us about it beforehand. It's also where I learnt that I can survive without my material comforts. The way God works is just amazing, planning stuff in a long-term way like that, and half the time we don't even know what's actually going on.

Click here to listen to our testimonies from the weekend.

I also wrote an article for the university magazine, which they didn't publish, but never mind.

Slumming It

It’s Sunday morning, 28th October, and I’m sitting in a friend’s lounge. I’m exhausted; I probably smell; I haven’t had much to eat for a while; and I’m more than slightly dazed. I’ve just had one of the best weekends of my life.

We started out on Friday. A group of us from The Journey student church got together in someone’s back garden and proceeded to build ourselves a little house – out of rubbish. Cardboard, mainly, bubble wrap, bits of wood, old sheets, shower curtains, newspaper, lino. We built ourselves a slum.

One billion people today live in slums. That’s one sixth of the world’s population. We wanted to get a sense of what life’s really like for them.

We did “challenges,” such as fetching water from the other side of Egham, to try to recreate their daily tasks and experiences. We ate a limited diet of rice and lentils, (weird at breakfast-time). We read up to understand poverty and related issues, such as HIV/AIDS and child trafficking. We spent time praying into these issues, reading the Bible for a Christian perspective, looking at what we could do to help. And we collected sponsorship for the weekend to go towards improving quality of life for those in slums. (You can still sponsor me; check Facebook.)

In all honesty, I hadn’t been looking forward to the experience. I anticipated being cold, hungry and miserable. In truth, our slum was actually quite cosy, rice and lentils are tastier and more filling than you’d think, and the girls I was slumming with were fun to be around.

I probably still would have been miserable, though, without my home comforts, had the whole thing not proved to be such an amazing spiritual experience.

We felt that God was really present with us in that slum. We were there, essentially, to pray and raise money for others, an act of giving, but I personally received so much as well. I guess that the old cliché is true, and that that’s the way God works a lot of the time: in doing things for other people, you end up blessed yourself.

Definitely Mozambique

2008-02-14T11:25:00.004Z

I just got a phone call from one of the leaders.

I'm going to Mozambique.

I mean... oh my goodness. I must've sounded such an idiot on the phone. It didn't really sink in at first. It's only starting to sink in now. What on earth? It was all so hypothetical before, and now it's actually going to happen. Ahhh. Why... I mean, why would God call me to do something like this? It's going to kill me! I'm still excited, and I'm scared, but mostly I'm just stunned. God never fails to surprise me. I shouldn't be surprised, really - I had plenty of warning. But it was all nicely kept a few paces away from me by maybe. It was a bit of a fantasy. But this isn't fantasy. This is my life. I really can't see me, I mean, me as I actually am... oh my goodness. Don't get me wrong: I'm not having second thoughts. I'm convinced that this is what God wants me to do. I just really don't see how it's going to happen, how it's going to work. I'm just going to have to depend on Him totally. And He is good. He is so good. So it's fine. But, ahhh, talk about rocking comfort zones!

So happy Valentine's Day. A love gift from God?

Prayer of Thomas Merton

2008-02-13T23:13:00.000Z

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe
that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
I hope that I will never do anything
apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me
to face my struggles alone.

Poverty of Spirit

2008-02-11T15:03:00.000Z

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
(Matthew 5:3, NIV)

"Poverty - poverty of spirit - has more to do with this being powerless, depending on God, depending on other people, giving up one's freedom of determination and choice and living much more in faith, giving up your own agenda. And that kind of faith, and that kind of love, has to do with letting go of what I'd want to do more. It means living in the readiness to follow what I think is my calling even if it leads me in a direction where I feel dead scared that I won't be able to do it."
(Eva Heymann, in Nuns Talking by Mary Loudon)

Prayer

2008-02-11T14:56:00.000Z

Lord, I give up
All my own plans and purposes,
All my own desires and hopes
And accept Thy will for my life.
I give myself, my life, my all,
Utterly to Thee
To be Thine forever.
Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit.
Use me as Thou wilt,
Send me where Thou wilt,
Work out Thy whole will in my life
At any cost,
Now and forever."

~Betty Scott Stam (martyred in China in the 1930s)

Quotations

2008-02-07T12:08:00.000Z

"Give me the love that leads the way, the passion that burns like fire."
~ Amy Carmichael, Missionary to India

"Security is not found in the absence of danger, but in the presence of Jesus."
~ Jeanine, Missionary to Columbia

"God isn't looking for people of great faith, but for individuals ready to follow Him."
~ Hudson Taylor

"Expect great things from God. Attempt great things for God."
~ William Carey

"All God's giants have been weak people who did great things for God because they reckoned on God to be with them."
~ Hudson Taylor

"I have found that there are three stages in every great work of God; first, it is impossible, then it is difficult, then it is done."
~ Hudson Taylor

Outreach in the Bush

2008-02-07T03:34:00.001Z

Iris Ministries YouTube Video

2008-02-06T17:15:00.000Z

Late Night Ponderings

2008-02-06T03:02:00.000Z

So much for the Lenten resolve to be in bed at midnight! Oh, I went to bed, but insomnia plagues me. The bipolar's been acting up a bit lately and my sleep's all over the place. So much pondering Mozambique in the wee small hours.

I am a little confused. Why would God put me in Slum Survivor for a first taste of slumming it with the very two people who are definitely going to Mozambique, before any of this came up, why would He then give me £1500 to go, if He was then going to tell the leaders that maybe I'm not up to it? Maybe it's good for me to be on my toes these next few months. Though I would be anyway! I know I've got a lot to learn before I'd be anywhere near ready. Doubtless God has much to teach me through all this uncertainty. Hmmm. Are the leaders' doubts about my getting there in time from God or from their own perceptions? I don't always make a good impression, I know that. But God sees past impressions, and hopefully they will too.

I'm a struggling a little. It's hard not to feel inferior, to feel singled out, to feel like I've been assessed and found wanting, when they've said yes to others. It's a feeling that wasn't there at all at first, then started very small, and is now growing and growing and gnawing away at me. I'm not angry with them, or even resentful: everything they've said makes a great deal of sense, and I thoroughly agree. But I'm upset with myself for being immature compared with others - it's a sense that I'm not good enough. I guess the comfort there is that I have the potential to be. But I've never considered myself to be a slow developer before, and now I'm having to fight that idea of striving, of the need to prove myself.